What's the first thing a musician says at work? "Would you like fries with that?"

What do you call a musician without a significant other? Homeless.

Why do musicians have to be awake by 5:00? Because most shops close by 5:30.

What would a musician do if he won a £1,000,000? Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver? The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.

There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.

Why did the Philharmonic disband? Excessive sax and violins. Borodin nothing to do!! Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.

Definitions...

Diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.

Virtuoso: a musician with very high morals.

Music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

Diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

Perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.

Ritard: there's one in every family.

Relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.

Relative minor: a girlfriend.

Transpositions: men who wear dresses.

Passing tone: frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.

Perfect pitch: astro-turf.

Minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.

12-tone scale: the thing the Police weigh your trailer truck with.

Bossa Nova: the car your employer drives.

Time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.

First inversion: grandpa's battle group at Normandy.

Staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.

Accidentals: wrong notes.

Crotchet: like knitting, but faster.

Ducita: a lot of mallards.

Interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
1.Major interval: a long time.
2.Minor interval: a few bars.
3.Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.

Musica ficta: when you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

Di lasso: popular with Italian cowboys.

Quaver: common reaction to string quartets..

Supertonic: Schweppes.

Agnus dei: female church composer.

Metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.

Allegro: leg fertilizer.