A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of The field and they run to grab it. Who gets it?

The second violinist, because:
1.No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars.
2.There's no such thing as a virtuoso violist.
3.The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about.

Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for 12 years, three months and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (total days in the orchestra) x 0.0076. Assuming he stopped practising altogether four years, six months and three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass?

Wilma plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7, and for conductors is 16 chances out of 17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative remarks does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians?

Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays 0.3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already 0.16485 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?

How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? Put it in a viola case.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
1.The viola burns longer.
2.The viola holds more beer.
3.You can tune the violin.

We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer? It's usually still in the case.

How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando? Mark it "solo."

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin? The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

What do you do with a dead violist? Move him back a desk.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion? No one cries when you cut up a viola.

What's the definition of a minor second? Two violists playing in unison.

What's the definiton of "perfect pitch"? Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses? They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist? Vibrato.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola? It saves time.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune? The bow is moving.

Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
1.So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
2.If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road? Skid marks before the skunk.

How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
1.Sit in the back and don't play.
2.Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

Why is a violist like a terrorist? They both screw up Boeings.

What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto? Music Minus One

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What is the range of a Viola? As far as you can kick it.

Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra? All those positions!

How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They're not small enough to fit.

What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
1.half a measure
2.a semi-tone

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany? Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.

What's another name for viola auditions? Scratch lottery.

What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
1.A prostitute knows more than two positions.
2.Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.

How does a violist's brain cell die? Alone.

How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies? Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's.

What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra? Neither has played together since 1970.

What is the longest viola joke? Harold in Italy

What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub? Vegetable soup.

Did you hear about the violist who played in tune? Neither did I.

How do you keep a violist from drowning? Take your foot off his head.

Note: the following joke is very funny in German, but doesn't translate well into English. Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche? Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage. (What are the three positions of the viola? First position, emergency, and defeat.)

A violist came home and found his house burned to the ground. When he asked what happened, the police told him "Well, apparently the conductor came to your house, and ..." The violist's eyes lit up and he interrupted excitedly, "The conductor? Came to my house?"

Entry Exam For The BBC Symphony Orchestra--Viola Players

The pass mark is 10% but be careful--over 45% and you are overqualified.

1.Who wrote the following:
a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6
b) Fauré's Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle
[5 pts.]

2.Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five.
[5 pts.]

3.Explain "counterpoint" or write your name on the reverse of the paper.
[10 pts.]

4.Which of the following would you tuck under you chin?
a) a timpani
b) an organ
c) a 'cello
d) a viola
[1 pt.]

5.Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.)
[5 pts.]

6.Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera?
a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton
[5 pts.]

7.Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument?
[5 pts.]

8.Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first.
a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace
[4 pts.]

9.Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance?
[5 pts.]

10.Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) Des O'Connor
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
d) Terry Wogan
[5 pts.]

11.Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis
b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) Desmond Lynham
[5 pts.]

12.Arrange the following words into the name of a well known Puccini opera: Bohème, La
[5 pts.]

13.Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz?
[5 pts.]

14.From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela
b) Sri Lanka
c) Germany
d) Japan
[5 pts.]

15.For what town were Haydn's "Paris" Symphonies written?
[5 pts.]

16.Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky
b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) Ten Green Bottles -- anon.
[5 pts.]

17.From which song do the following lines come?
"God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen."
[5 pts.]

18.Spell the following musical terms.
allegro
rallentando
crotchet
pizzicato
intermezzo
[5 pts.]

19.Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera?
[5 pts.]

20.Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well known British broadcasting corporation.
C, B, B.
[5 pts.]

Definitions...

String quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

Glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.

Bass Clef: where you land after a viola solo.

Half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.